The Dumbest Questions...

In the coffee business, like any service business, there are countless questions. A small fraction of these questions are legitimate, such as are there nuts in a specific product or can we make a drink with half and half instead of milk, etc. But most of them are beyond pathetic and unfortunately unmask the helpless stupidity that lies within the human species. Some of the following questions were asked to me personally and others were asked to my fellow colleagues. Regardless, they are all real questions that were asked by the patrons of the coffee shop in which I work... "Did I say hot coffee? I meant iced tea." "Did you know you only have 6 rolls of tp in the bathroom?" "Can I have an extra shot of coffee?" You mean espresso? "No Coffee" "What do you have to drink?" "Are there eggs on the breakfast sandwich?" "Do you guys sell coffee?" "Which ones the latte and which ones the iced latte?" "Is the grilled cheese grilled?" "Can I have a poppy seed bagel, but can you rub most of the seeds off I don't like them?" "Do you have to pay sales tax if you take your coffee to go?" "Is cinnamon honey butter a cream cheese?" "Do you sell hamburgers?" "What kind of chips are in the cinnamon chip muffins?" "Do you have lids?" "What movies are playing today?"

August 20, 2012

I arrive to work at 6am to open the shop and begin my day of caffeinated fun. It was a particularly trying day of hopeless individuals. These must be the people that as kids, couldn't find anyone to go to prom with and are just controlling enough to force their Villanova bound teenagers into a short stint of bulimia or coke addiction... As I walk over to the register, like someone headed off to watch back to back screenings of Glitter, a man walks up with a brood of loud children. Great.

Customer: "Can I have a coffee?"
Me: "Small or Large?" Point to cups.
Customer: "Do you have a medium?"
My Internal Dialogue: Why would I lie about only having small or large?
Me: Shake head. Deep stare searching for this man's soul.
Customer: Blank Stare.
Me: "Is that all?"
Customer: "Can I have scrambled eggs?"
My Internal Dialogue: Does this look like Dennys?
Me: You can have any of the breakfast sandwiches on that board (I point overhead to menu board)
Customer: "You can't do scrambled eggs?"
My Internal Dialogue: We just went through this. Where you listening?
Me: "No"
Customer: Looking at me dumfounded. "OK I will have a corn muffin and an OJ"
Me: "OK" I retrieve corn muffin.
Customer: "Do you have any other size orange juice?"
My Internal Dialogue: Why would we hide various sized orange juices?
Me: "Nope"

Next Customer... Woman in workout wear comes up to the counter. Every woman that comes in to this God forsaken place is in workout gear. None of them are ever sweaty. They usually adorn themselves with at least 5 grand of jewels, plus a rock of an engagement ring, a fresh face of makeup, and freshly blown out hair. 
Customer: "Hi, can I have a skim, sugar free vanilla latte?"
Me: "Is that all?"
Customer: "And just four egg whites"
Me: "What would you like that on? Bagel, bread?"
Customer: "Blank stare"
Me: "We only make sandwiches, not platters"
Customer: "You know what, I will just make this easy for you, lets do two bagel sandwiches, one with basil, one without, the one with on a scooped out wheat bagel"
My Internal Dialogue: Do you see this bizarre sandwich on the menu board you dumb twit? AND why four egg whites? We only have liquid egg whites, I find some sort of sick joy in depriving this woman of knowing if she will receive exactly 4 egg whites or not.
Me: "What do you want that second sandwich on?" Customer: "I only want one"
My Internal Dialogue: I swear to Jesus you just said two. Where on earth did you come from? Who is your rich husband Satan???
Me: "Can I have a first name?"
Customer: "Zach. Z-A-C-H."
My Internal Dialogue: Oh really is that how you spell Zach? And even if it wasn't how you spelled it, who cares, if this slip of paper is spelled wrong? It means nothing. Don't you think we could sound it out? Why on earth are you here? Go home. NOW. I look desperately over the woman's shoulder.
Me:"Ok thank you. Can I help whoever's next??"

Introductions and Such...

I started working in a coffee house as a mere child of 14. It was just a summer job where I could spend my afternoons icing cinnamon buns and afford to buy the newest Blue Cult jeans. It ended up being a place where I met my best friend, a mother figure, my first love, learned the difference between coffee and espresso, and ultimately became convinced that caffeine is a drug that ruins one's social skills and steals their common sense. Ten years later I find myself in a weird transition period, after finishing graduate school, and have found myself back at this place making breakfast sandwiches once again. It finally struck me one morning as my co-worker was being accosted by some coffee deprived psycho that this is by far the strangest place I have ever worked. I have had a LONG string of crappy part time jobs: pizza shops,  Irish pubs, clothing stores, ice cream shops, even a hardware store, you name it, I've done it and hands down the coffee shop attracts the most hopeless and desperate individuals. This blog is being constructed to help illustrate the insanity that is being nourished and caffeinated in this small seasonal coffee shop off the coast of NJ.